A Dream of Emily

“After being totally convinced I had made my decision, I sat alone with it for 3 days before I told a soul.”

One woman’s crisis pregnancy and how she came to her decision. A true story.

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Adoption It hit me in the face like a neon sign as I was sitting alone in the dark at 7 months pregnant.

I had been separated from my husband for about 18 months and I had been living on my own with my 3-year-old daughter. My second pregnancy was a dilemma; I’m already a single parent. I know what it’s like to do it on your own. I didn’t want to be social security dependent forever. I wanted a good life for my daughter and I also knew I wasn’t capable of fully loving a new baby right now.

I considered abortion and although it was clearly not the right decision for me, I found some peace in the fact that I had the power to make the choice for myself. I was grateful for the right to choose at least.

In my logical mind I could find no reason to continue with this pregnancy but somewhere a quiet part of me urged me to keep the baby, to give it a chance. I guess I was quiet enough to hear it.

One of the most difficult aspects of early pregnancy is coming to terms with the fact that a living being is slowly but surely growing inside of you, it’s not a blob of tissue, it’s actually a life!!! I guess that realisation came easier – I already had a child. This creature inside my belly was no different to the one who already consumed a huge part of my life. This time, at least, my heart won the battle over my head. I continued with my pregnancy.

After finding out all I could about the adoption process I went about preparing myself emotionally. I never really enjoyed the feeling of this active child inside but now I began to talk to it about the adoption and that this was my decision. I instantly knew that this was what was best for baby and I.

I have been told that most relinquishing mothers experience many doubts which can cause emotional ups and downs. I would urge any woman faced with an unwanted pregnancy to take time out to be still. Listening to the opinions of others may keep you occupied and may give you a sense that someone cares but there must come a time when you find your place of peace just to sit and be – not to talk, not to listen, just to be.

It is during this time of quiet that the most amazing, profound truths will be revealed to you. Your space of quiet may be your garden, the beach or mountains or your favourite music and munchies – who cares; what does matter is that you find the answer for yourself. No one else can find it for you.

After being totally convinced I had made my decision I sat with it alone for 3 days before I told a soul. I knew there would be criticism and judgement from others and I knew I would need to be strong and unswayed in my decision. I was right, the judgement was there, everyone had an opinion but I stuck to my guns.

On June 12th 1993 at 11.11 p.m. I gave birth to a little girl, Emily. When the time came to relinquish her, I gave her to her parents and she was gone. My healing and pure joy comes from knowing that I gave a little girl the chance of a great life and that two people who had been trying to have a child for so many years received a gift that changed their lives forever.

Sure 9 months of pregnancy slows you down, sure you get a bit bigger and those groovy size 10 pants you love barely fit over your ankles, but there is no comparison to the joy I facilitated in doing something for someone else.

Yes, there is an alternative to abortion … it’s called adoption and if only more women could slow down enough they might realise that an unwanted pregnancy doesn’t have to end in grief and loneliness. I carried that child and gave it a chance to be with a loving couple and now I feel whole and complete in the knowledge that there was a purpose to those nine months.

Not only do Emily and her parents get a great life but I get to move on in the knowledge that I stopped still long enough to do some good in this world. I do not have one regret for the decisions I made and I am now one of the most happy and fulfilled people you would ever get to meet.

I had a dream about Emily last night. I walked into her home unannounced and was greeted with a grin and a hug and the words, “Oh, hello, I haven’t seen you for a while, have I? It’s nice that you’re here today.”

What a pleasant dream, I thought as I woke up. It’s nice that you’re here today too, Emily!!

(Names and other details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the people involved in this story.)

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