Patterns: One woman's experience of abortion.

A woman recalls the effect her termination had on her life and emotions, and how through counselling she found help to understand what was going on in her life as a whole. A true story.

Test: POSITIVE.

Who could imagine one word could mean so much? So much confusion, so much disturbance, so much PAIN. That word turned my life around.

Suddenly, I didn’t know anything - couldn’t think straight, make decisions, sleep, eat or relax. So much for that new chapter in my life, the start of a new job, a new career! I missed the first day of work because I was still groggy from the anaesthetic I was given when I underwent the operation - the termination of my pregnancy.

I thought I could forget. I thought I could get back on with my life after the weekend - now the “problem” was “gone”. No one told me of the pain I would suffer from that day on. I couldn’t imagine it to be like that. And even if I was told, would I have listened? I don’t know. Would I have thought it easier to bring another child into the world than to go through that? I don’t know. I do know that my life was turned upside down. Was life better after the termination? I’m not sure.

Thank God, someone was there ready to help pick up the pieces. Six weeks of self-denial and pretence was all my subconscious would allow me before I was a complete emotional mess.

What brought me to Open Doors? I’m not sure. Perhaps it was that big, blue sign on the fence down the road. Perhaps it was some guidance from above. Just to have someone to cry to for an hour or so seemed worth the anxiety of making that first phone call.

I knew why and how we get pregnant. I knew the dangers of a sexual relationship but why did I continue? Especially knowing he did not love me or even want a proper relationship. My desire for approval was stronger than my sense of safety and my own self-esteem. A vulnerable position I did not understand.

The significance of this did not become apparent until after the initial counselling. I was slowly coming to terms with my abortion but had entered another demeaning relationship. Why did I keep doing that?

I needed someone to help me discover and recognise the reason, work through it and then realise it. Sounds easy - no way!! So many painful experiences to go through to get only half way and even then to find it is not all smooth sailing. How much do we need to experience before we can be assured of not repeating negative patterns? How was I to know that learning good positive patterns would be difficult too? How could I have done all of this alone? I have no idea.

Thank God for people who care enough to make it their living. Counsellors, grief counsellors, any counsellors, someone to talk to, someone to listen, really listen. They help people like me put our lives together - effectively!!

These are only general suggestions. You should always seek outside help if you are unsure what to do. If you need to talk to someone right now you can call

OPEN DOORS PREGNANCY LOSS COUNSELLING
5 Greenwood Ave Ringwood. 3134
Ph: (03) 9879 2332
Freecall outside Melbourne 1800 647 995
Email: info@opendoors.com.au

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Last reviewed February 2008