The Gift

A woman recalls the emotional ups and downs caused by a crisis pregnancy in her mid forties and explains how her decision to adopt out her baby brought unexpected joy out of the pain. A true story.

This is a true story. It is written with tears from my heart. I wanted to write our story to hopefully help someone faced with a decision about an unplanned pregnancy.

Being in my middle forties and finding myself pregnant and not married was probably my worst nightmare. You can’t begin to imagine the panic and fear that swept over me. It was horrific - this couldn’t be! I was too old. Numb with shock, the days slowly passed. What was I going to do?

I told the father of the baby. All he could say was to terminate the pregnancy - “get rid of it. That would be best for everybody”. It might be the best thing for him but what about me and my baby?

I knew about the horror of abortion but still the thought came to me. It would have been so easy. No one would have known about it - only me. I knew I had to put that choice out of my mind. My baby didn’t ask to be conceived and I felt that I had no right to take its life.

Tired and depressed it took all of my strength to focus on this new life. I had to get my mind off myself and how terrible I was feeling. I started reading material about my baby, following its development - things like whether my baby would be a girl or a boy or could I carry it to term - each day I was changing.

At 13 weeks I went interstate to stay until I had the baby and to have it adopted out. I decided that adoption would be the best thing for my baby and me. I didn’t feel very confident about bringing up a child on my own. I felt the child needed both a father and a mother, stability, financial security and a family - all the things I couldn’t provide.

I remember one night feeling so miserable and alone. I lay awake just thinking about what was ahead when suddenly I felt my baby move. It was so gentle but definitely there. I remember saying “Hello, you’re really there, little one”. I felt so protective and knew I had bonded with this baby so much. Suddenly, I had a purpose in going through with the pregnancy - giving this child life. I didn’t feel so alone any more.

At 5 months I saw an adoption counsellor and continued to see her over the next few months. I found out about the how and when of adoptions and what people were chosen. Not just anyone who wants a baby can get one - they are screened thoroughly. I was able to say what I would like in my child’s adoptive parents. Most importantly I was reassured that if there was something wrong with my baby there were people who would still want to adopt her or him and be prepared to meet any medical expenses for any care that might be needed.

It was suggested that I have an amniocentesis to see if the baby was O.K. I said “No”. I would do nothing to interfere with or put this child’s life at risk. I had to believe my baby would be all right!

I found out that very few women were prepared to give up their babies for adoption. I decided even though it would be the hardest thing I had ever done it would also be the most wonderful thing I could do. Of course I wanted to keep my child - he or she was a part of me - but I wanted to do what I believed was the right thing for my baby. I needed to give 9 months of my life to give him or her life.

My baby daughter was born healthy and perfect, ten fingers and toes. What a gift, a little daughter - wow! I was almost too scared to hold her in case I could not let her go. I stayed in hospital for three and a half days with her: holding her, talking to her, kissing her and loving her. I had photos taken with her which I still have today.

The doctor who delivered my baby said how brave and courageous I was which was far from what I was feeling. In fact I was feeling pretty ordinary.

Then it was time to go. I paid my bill and left in a taxi with a pink teddy and a broken heart. It was so hard to leave her behind. That day I really knew what grief and pain was all about. I had such a feeling of emptiness.

All this happened over 11 years ago. The first twelve months were very difficult. I did go and have counselling which helped me through the grief and loss. It was so important to have someone listen to me.

On my daughter’s first birthday I received 2 lovely photos of my baby and a letter from her adoptive parents. What a thrill! What a change there was - what a beautiful child she was. It was wonderful to receive news of her. I could see from the photos what a lovely home she had and how she was loved and cherished and how much joy she was giving her adoptive parents.

I felt great pride in myself for what I had done, for what I had given my daughter. Of course there were many tears of sadness but also tears of joy.

On my daughter’s second birthday I was able to buy her a gift and send it to her. This has happened each Christmas as well.

Picking out presents to send her for birthdays and Christmas has been very healing for me. It’s a contact for me with her and I also hear of her progress. It means so much to receive news about what she is doing. I hear about her, how she is going at school, what musical instruments she is playing, her drawing, her writing stories and play acting - the list goes on and on.

Christmas 1999 was very special because I received a letter asking for a photo of me. I knew then that she does not hate me. I sent a couple of photos, the pink teddy that I bought when she was born and a few other things.

My daughter was 11 this year (2000). She has always known she was adopted and I am her natural or birth mother. She has my name as her second name. I look forward to one day hopefully meeting her again. I will just wait and see. If she ever wants to find me and meet me I will be there for her.

I really hope that whoever reads our story (mine and my baby’s) will have courage and know that nothing is impossible. I had no idea that from such sadness I would receive such joy - such joy and love. My baby was unplanned but not unwanted.

“Anne”

(Names and other identifying details used in this story are fictitious to protect the author’s confidentiality.)

These are only general suggestions. You should always seek outside help if you are unsure what to do. If you need to talk to someone right now you can call

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