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Dealing with violence in a relationship
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“Give yourself
credit for everything you’ve tried in order to cope but the
reality is that you can’t do it all.” |
This article describes the
different ways violence can be experienced in a relationship, how the
victims may feel and react, and gives support for seeking help.
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Domestic violence is a crime
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Women are at
greater risk at home than on the street. Most violence in the home is
committed by men. Women and children are most often the victims.
However, men can be victims also.
Physical and sexual violence are the more obvious forms of violence.
Punching, poking, biting, hair pulling, pinching, hitting, and using a
weapon are all forms of violence. Rape within marriage is a crime in
Victoria.
Other forms of
violence include:
- refusing to
let you see friends or family
- ripping or
burning your clothes
- making you
think you’re crazy
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- threatening
to take or kill the children
- controlling
all the money
- treating you
like a servant
^TOP |
Some people say that these
things are just as damaging as physical violence. They eat away at your
self-esteem and create many doubts about yourself that may cause you not
to seek help. Isolation tends to compound the fear and anxiety, leading
to feelings of worthlessness and helplessness.
If you are in a violent
relationship, or you have recently left, you may have some of these
feelings.
- worried
about what others will think
- afraid that
it is your fault too
- confused
because sometimes he/she is loving and kind
- scared that
it will get worse if you leave
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- insecure
about the kids’ future
- furious and
sad because you tried everything to change the situation
- that you
have failed as a partner and a parent
^TOP |
You are not to blame for
his/her violence. You have a right to be safe. You have a right to live
a life free of violence.
Are these some of the ways you’ve tried to cope?
- you have
been careful about what you say, when you say it, how you
say it
- you have
“tiptoed” around his/her moods - you encourage the kids to
be quiet around him/her
- you try to
do all the right things e.g. cook dinners, keep the house
tidy, try to please etc
- you see less
of your friends and family
- you keep the
peace wherever possible
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- you change
your own behaviour according to what he/she says
- you handle
all family matters on your own
- you try hard
to protect the kids from the effects of violence
- you have
tried to talk about any alcoholism or stress levels or moods
^TOP |
Perhaps these measures aren’t
really effective or only act as a temporary measure. Give yourself
credit for everything you’ve tried but the reality is that you can’t do
it all. Only he/she can change his/her own behaviour. You may have had
support from friends or family. However, sometimes it is good to talk to
someone totally uninvolved.
A counsellor can talk it through with you to enable you to:
- see that the
violence is a crime
- accept that
the abuse has caused you great pain
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- recognise
what you have already done to try and change things
- decide in
what direction your relationship is headed
- find out
your legal rights
- take the
appropriate steps to secure your safety
^TOP |
These are only general
suggestions. You should always seek outside help if you are unsure what
to do. If you need to talk to someone right now you can call
OPEN DOORS
COUNSELLING
5 Greenwood Ave Ringwood. 3134
Ph: (03) 9870 7044
Freecall outside Melbourne 1800 647 995
Email: info@opendoors.com.au
Updated May 2005
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