Men and Pregnancy loss
by Anne Neville
R.N., R.M., Dip. Past. Psych., Dip. Marriage & Family Therapy C.P.C., Accredited Counsellor National Association of Loss & Grief, A.M.C.C.A., M.A.S.S.T.S.
 

Emotional reactions to loss.

Bonding to the unborn child.

Neglected grief.

Case examples.

Help available.
 

At Open Doors a range of counselling services is offered. One that is becoming more extensively utilized is our Pregnancy Loss Counselling Service. Over the years this service has grown to cater for a large number of people affected by the emotional turmoil that often follows abortion, miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth. There is a great diversity in the nature and severity of the psychological and emotional reactions in both women and men following a pregnancy loss.

Society tends now to consider and acknowledge the impact of pregnancy loss for women with an increasing awareness. The difficulties associated with abortion, whether “freely” chosen or not, are being looked at a little more closely. However, what of the men - the partners of these women?

By and large, men have been conditioned not to express their emotions. From an early age the male child has been encouraged to “cap” his more sensitive emotions and therefore his pain has tended to be trivialised. One only has to witness the ridicule in the schoolyard that may greet tears from a punch, kick or rejection. A “competitive and aggressive nature is encouraged and accepted but sensitive behaviour is suspect” (Scully, 1985, p.99).

When a man experiences emotional distress he may automatically reinforce these discounting messages, denying his pain and isolating himself. This may indicate to others that he is coping well, is strong or in many instances may signal to his partner that he is unaffected by the loss or doesn’t care.

For some men it is very difficult to express sadness openly and permit themselves a period of mourning. So, often the man flings himself into his work as a means of avoiding his pain and frustration. For many men the impact of a miscarriage is less intense than that experienced by their partner. This may be particularly so when the loss occurs early in the pregnancy. The loss is often expressed as a “sad event” rather than a death. Others, however, do feel a deep sense of grief.

The father may experience an uncertainty about what to do and say in the face of his partner’s pain - particularly in the case of miscarriage. Powerlessness and helplessness are common features of this type of loss and very often the man may experience guilt.

This conflict arises from his self-image as a provider and protector in his relationship with his partner. A sense of failure may lead the male into isolation in his grief. He may feel he has to be the strong one who props up his partner. Rather than acknowledging his pain he may avoid it, deny it or block it, moving into a more withdrawn state which may be interpreted as insensitive.
 

“Paul”, supporting his wife through a miscarriage, told me of his inadequacy in the situation - not knowing what to say or do to alleviate his wife’s distress. He tended to assume blame for the miscarriage saying, “I don’t ever want to put her through this again”. He and his wife had been trying to become pregnant for a year. It was evident that for Paul there was the underlying fear that a subsequent pregnancy could also fail.

On the other hand, anger may replace initial feelings of disbelief and numbness. “Why me?” is a common reaction and at times these angry feelings may be displaced onto those closest to us - namely partner or spouse.

According to physicians, men have a tendency to blame their spouses or themselves for something they may have done, or conversely not done, during the pregnancy (Izer, O’Brien, 1980). For instance, the man may take on the responsibility for the miscarriage if it was preceded by sexual intercourse. Also the male may feel his virility and masculinity may be in question in what he sees as his inability to produce a live child (Speck, 1978). These reactions are not only confined to loss in miscarriage but also abortion.
 

RECENT ABORTION

When “David” and “Julie” came in for counselling following an abortion, both stated that they didn’t blame the other. However, as counselling progressed they came to recognize that in fact that was exactly how each of them felt.

Their abortion decision had been based on a crisis in their financial situation and the fact that David was temporarily unemployed. Not long after the abortion he began working again. He realised they would have managed but buried his guilt and anguish.

Julie felt the decision had been left up to her when David told her he would support her in whatever she decided to do about the pregnancy. This she interpreted as him placing all the responsibility on to her, and his lack of communication after the abortion she saw as disinterest and insensitivity. The more upset Julie became the more David withdrew into himself - her crying led to a heightened sense of guilt and inadequacy. He felt he was to blame for her pain and instead of sharing this with her, communication became strained.

David was initially able to express his bottled-up feelings with one of our counsellors and then with Julie. This led to a deepening of their relationship once communication was re-established and each was able to freely share their pain with the other. Julie acknowledged that she had wanted David to show her that he too was affected by the decision to have an abortion.

ABORTION 10 YEARS AGO

Commonly the grief associated with an abortion decision may be unresolved for many years. Following publicity for one of our regular ecumenical services for pregnancy loss, a woman who was married with 3 children contacted me. “Diane” and her husband “Nick” had a crisis pregnancy while both were at university. At the time they felt their only option was abortion. Now, some 10 years later, they both still grieved for their first child. Fortunately for them they were able to grieve together and share their pain during that time. Many relationships we have found to disintegrate because of a lack of communication and a growing estrangement. This couple was able to gain considerable comfort from our Remembrance Service for Pregnancy Loss and Nick confided that he felt more at peace. For years he had blamed himself for not finding a way to somehow enable them to go through with the pregnancy at the time.
 

ABORTION - 16 YEARS AGO

At another one of our Remembrance Services I met “Tony”, 33, who drifted into the church after calling to see the minister on the off chance that he would be free. He decided to stay for the service and later told me how he had finally been able to acknowledge the child he had lost through abortion when he and his girlfriend at the time were both 17. During the ensuing 16 years he had at times been troubled by the memory. That evening he found a great release in being able to think and talk about the child and speculate on what might have been.
 

SEPARATED FROM CHILD

For “Andrew”, 22 and at university, the grief experience was a little different, but a significant loss none-the-less. When his girlfriend became pregnant, his first reaction was to insist on an abortion because of his need to finish his course and find employment before supporting a wife and family. “Jane” insisted on going ahead with the pregnancy. The relationship broke down and they separated. Several months after his son was born, “Andrew” saw him for the first time. He became enchanted by the robust blonde-haired baby. Sadly for “Andrew”, “Jane” went her own way, cutting off all contact.

“Andrew” came to Open Doors to work through his guilt associated with his initial insistence on the abortion and also the enormous pain of losing contact with his son. His loss was two-fold - his son and the relationship with his girlfriend whom he had originally planned to marry.

“Andrew’s” case tends to draw our attention to the difference there may be between the mother and the father in the investment in the unborn child. This may be so in the case of all types of pregnancy loss.

The bonding process may differ greatly. For the mother, it usually occurs early in pregnancy and is reinforced by the bodily changes (Lieter, 1986). For the father the pregnancy may be a little unreal until more tangible evidence is visible such as the woman’s changing shape, or when the baby’s movements are able to be readily felt by him.
 

What we are witnessing in our Pregnancy Loss Counselling Service is the impact that pregnancy loss has on many men. It is important to recognize that such a loss may evoke a strong emotional response in the male, eliciting sadness, anger, frustration, confusion and other unpleasant emotions. It is normal for a man to experience a grief reaction, however he may be overlooked or neglected in his loss and find it difficult to access support. He may find himself cocooned in loneliness, pain and sadness.

It is important that the male finds an outlet for his grief - talking about the experience helps make it seem more real and provides a release from the anguish, fear, anger and the disappointment that is often involved in pregnancy loss (Borg, Lasker, 1981). Ventilation is a necessary part of healing. Tears are healing also. There is nothing unmasculine about seeking help to grieve. It takes time and is a painful process, but it can lead to resolution of inner conflicts, a greater self-awareness and more fulfilling relationships.
 

The Pregnancy Loss Counselling Service at Open Doors is open to anyone experiencing a pregnancy loss and our Remembrance Service for Pregnancy Loss offers an opportunity for both men and women to reconcile hurts in a very intimate and non-threatening atmosphere. These services are held three times each year. For details contact Open Doors on (03) 9879 2332.

(Names and other identifying details used in this article are fictitious to protect client confidentiality.)
 

Borg, S., Lasker, T. Miscarriage. When a Pregnancy Fails. Families Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death. Beacon Press, Boston, 1981.

Lieter, E.F. Miscarriage. Parental Loss of a Child. Research Press Co., Illinois, 1986.

Pizer, H., O’Brien, C. Coping with a Miscarriage. Prime Books, Mass. U.S.A., 1980.

Scully, E. Jean. Men and Grieving. Psychotherapy and the Grieving Patient. Ed. E. Mark Stein, Harrington Park Press Inc., N.Y., 1985.

Speck, P. Loss and Grief in Medicine. Bailliere Tindall. N.Y., 1978.
 

OPEN DOORS COUNSELLING
5 Greenwood Ave Ringwood. 3134
Ph: (03) 9870 7044
Freecall outside Melbourne 1800 647 995
Email: info@opendoors.com.au

Updated May 2005